Random things about myself

So this fad to list "25 random things" has been going on for a while. The other day, I took the time to actually read some of them and found them really enjoyable. So to reciprocate, below are some very personal statements about myself. Please do take the time to read and enjoy them.

1. I feel blessed that so many friends have tagged me in notes, and blessed in general to have the friends I do. I appreciate you all thinking of me, even if it's just for a brief moment.
2. I am consciously trying to incorporate the words "bless" and "pray" into my life. I always hated these words because of the right-wing, but they are beautiful words and I intend to reclaim them.
3. I am working on being more creative. This is having the amusing side effect of making me more vocal with my opinions.
4. I confess that I am addicted to reading. I stopped for one week and had serious withdraw.
5. I care about, and am good at, too many things. While I am loathe to complain about it (I don't want to appear arrogant or unappreciative), it makes it really difficult for me to figure out what I want to do and where I want to go. For example, right now I'm debating between being a lawyer, a farmer, or an acupuncturist. Sigh.
6. I get really stressed when people try to demean my (gay) marriage. But at the same time, I think about the enormous strides that have been made with regard to gay rights, and realize that my stresses pale in comparison. I will proudly continue to inform and educate people.
7. I have always avoided being trendy at all costs. Ironically, this makes me just as beholden to trends. I realized this as a teen, and have since been trying to shake myself of this.
8. I have met great people in my fraternity and love many of them. At the same time, I find myself questioning the relevancy of such organizations in this day and age.
9. I have always considered myself an introvert and been proud of this fact. However, I have to acknowledge that life has turned me into an extrovert...!
10. The glass is not half empty. It's not even half full. It's completely full. Half with air, half with water.
11. I think that punning shows a love (and mastery) of language. It is a lost and unappreciated art form this day and age.
12. I am very aware of sentences ending in prepositions and misuse of adverbs. However, I also recognize that English is a living language and is allowed to evolve. (BUT NOT WITH THE WORD CHILLAX, WALLESKA!!!)
13. I love to travel, yet I love to be at home. I may never reconcile this.
14. I feel that Seattle is the most amazing place ever. I love it so much. It feels like heaven. But I also know that my life is here (on the east coast), and therefore cannot live in heaven during this life. It feels strangely appropriate.
15. I am deeply spiritual, traditional, and enjoy hierarchy. To this end, I worry that if I wasn't gay, I would have become a right-wing nut in the military.
16. Two driving emotions in my life have been avoiding shame, and avoiding disappointing others. I'm trying to acknowledge this, and let go of it.
17. I never had a father figure growing up. I long for one, but also realize that I am too much my own person at this point to ever allow someone to fill that role for me.
18. I believe that we are in a huge paradigm shift for our species. Peak Oil. Economic contraction (not just a recession or a depression, but contraction). Food insecurity. Community breakdowns. Lack of personal responsibility. I fear and hope for the future.
19. I have never smoked or done drugs, though I do enjoy a drink or two.
20. I am so much in love with my husband. I can see us old, gray and wrinkled together.
21. I am very aware of time. If I ever had a superpower, I would want the ability to manipulate time. Not travel through time, mind you! ... just the ability to create localized distortions in the flow of time. (ie, plant a seed and make it grow into a tree in an instant)
22. I have grown food in my backyard for two years now and love it. I want more land so I can have a mini-cow and chickens.
23. I think in systems. I always look at how connected / interconnected things are. I am hyper aware of how my personal choices can sustain many unsustainable systems and try to make my choices responsibly (buying local food, supporting independent businesses, etc). (See 18)
24. I adopt the persona of a wacky, harmless jokester. I feel this allows me to bring up things in a non-threatening half-joking manner. At the same time, I feel it hinders me from being taken very seriously.
25. There is a world I've been creating in my head since I was in high school. I call it Path. It has cities, cultures, wars, histories, magic and gods. I've used this world as a setting in a few roleplaying games, and am now attempting to do some writing about this world.
26. I can see both sides of every argument and sometimes debunk my own points in an argument. Ironically, instead of making me wishy-washy, I feel it has given me very strong convictions. I make informed choices based on equal examination from both sides. I also believe I am a very good teacher / communicator because of this.

Well, I would up with 26. I hope you learned and / or understand some things about me a little better. Thanks for reading this, and I hope you are all well.

Confidence

So in 28 years of life, I've wanted to be....

• an architect
• a geologist
• a tarot reader / psychic
  
• the owner of a gem and mineral store
  
• a professional musician (tuba or voice)
• a cartographer / GIS technician
  
• an accupuncturist
• a traffic engineer
• a landscape architect
• a Feng Shui consultant
• a transportation planner
  
• a community designer
• a politician (very briefly, thank all the gods)
  
• a developer
• a farmer / urban farmer
  
• a sci-fi fantasy writer
• a graphic designer
• a folk singer
  
• a food activist
• a community organizer
  

.... and I ask myself, "what the hell?" My interests are all over. I wish I could just focus on one thing, but my mind craves doing different things to keep my interests. I enjoy making people happy and smile. I enjoy alone time. I enjoy being outdoors. I enjoy being behind a computer. I enjoy flexibility with my time. I enjoy working with my hands and my body. I enjoy sitting back and thinking. I enjoy writing.

Right now I work for the government, and that is fine. I like my hours, salary, benefits, and coworkers. I'm even allowed to be somewhat creative and progressive. But, like a good friend of mine, I have this feeling that I'm spending my life living for someone else. I want to live for myself.

What is a career anyway? Can "being myself" be a career? I would love to be an independent contractor, but I asking for money is difficult for me. Let me be frank with myself: I mysticize the exchange of funds from client to contractor to disempower myself from facing my fears of inadequecy. I am afraid I'm not good enough to get paid for the work I do. And the catch? There isn't even a "work" that I am doing to be afraid to ask for the money (kudos if you can follow that twisted psycho-logic).

So to empower myself. Starting small seems like good common sense. Pick something to do that gets paid per hour and start doing it informally. Then, as word gets out, make a transition to start doing it formally. The question is, what to do? I don't have enough confidence in anything I do to ask someone to give me money. However, it seems likely that the deficiency isn't in my skills, but moreso my confidence is deficient.

So I have two tasks ahead of me:

1. Become more confident then. I'm open to suggestions on how to do this.
2. Choose something to do as a contractor.