Small Steps Versus Canyons

A common theme I've been noticing in my thoughts has to do with small steps versus canyons. To explain the metaphor: I am told by many that you need to take small steps to see growth, improvement and change. I'm told this with the health care bill. I'm told this at work. I'm told this by almost every rational person I know.

But I'm not rational, I'm a Romantic.

Contrasting this is a phrase I learned about a year ago: "You can't take small steps across a canyon." I heard this phrase at a "Designing for Bicycles" workshop. Sometimes, the best thing to do when re-designing, and re-thinking something is to break with the past and start completely fresh.

This appeals to my sense of the Romantic, but I fear jumping across a canyon and landing someplace where I don't want to be. So when is "canyon hopping" appropriate? When should I accept small changes that don't do enough?

January Life Updates

So one of my running themes for this blog has been a reflection of what's going on with my life. At the last entry I was working on (1) wedding planning, (2) Slow Food, (3) Fraternity, (4) Housework and (5) Path. I had already dropped the ideas of a starting an independent business and reclaiming my love of music. Let's see where I'm at now:

1. Wedding Planning. This is moving. I am not working on it every day, like I had hoped, but am working on it weekly. I have a space reserved, and have reserved a caterer. We have talked to a photographer (and really want to go with her - we just need to finalize things). I think our next step is to plan out our wedding day. What will happen during what hour, and outline exactly how we want our ceremony to run. I also want to find someone to be our wedding forager.
2. Slow Food. This is off like a rocket. We've been in the local paper, have received a lot of attention and have around 60 people on our announcement list. At the last meeting, we divided up into committees, each with their own agenda. And we're one step away from official, legal affiliation. Tomorrow the advocacy group is meeting (a joint meeting with Syracuse Grows, another awesome local group) and we'll be talking about drafting a sustainable code for Syracuse (included urban livestock).
3. Fraternity. I am burnt out. I did a lot of work with the Colony in December and felt consistently misunderstood and attacked. I have better things to do with my time. I have stated to the fraternal powers that be that I wish to step back from my responsibilities with the Colony. However, I am committed to reaching out to the local chapter here in Syracuse. M and I have invited the guys over to our house on Sunday for a potluck as part of a monthly thing.
4. Housework. Good god, I have a new half-bath under the stairs! It still needs to be painted, but this past week, a lot of work has been done. We replaced the sink, toilet, lights, pipes and installed new shelves.
   
5. Path. I ran a one-shot with the revised Path during my Christmas break. People really liked it. There is still a lot more work to be done, but I am moving forward. I found a reason for dragons in my world. And I've been inspired by a couple of books I've been reading. I recently drew up the continents of Path too.
   

Confidence

So in 28 years of life, I've wanted to be....

• an architect
• a geologist
• a tarot reader / psychic
  
• the owner of a gem and mineral store
  
• a professional musician (tuba or voice)
• a cartographer / GIS technician
  
• an accupuncturist
• a traffic engineer
• a landscape architect
• a Feng Shui consultant
• a transportation planner
  
• a community designer
• a politician (very briefly, thank all the gods)
  
• a developer
• a farmer / urban farmer
  
• a sci-fi fantasy writer
• a graphic designer
• a folk singer
  
• a food activist
• a community organizer
  

.... and I ask myself, "what the hell?" My interests are all over. I wish I could just focus on one thing, but my mind craves doing different things to keep my interests. I enjoy making people happy and smile. I enjoy alone time. I enjoy being outdoors. I enjoy being behind a computer. I enjoy flexibility with my time. I enjoy working with my hands and my body. I enjoy sitting back and thinking. I enjoy writing.

Right now I work for the government, and that is fine. I like my hours, salary, benefits, and coworkers. I'm even allowed to be somewhat creative and progressive. But, like a good friend of mine, I have this feeling that I'm spending my life living for someone else. I want to live for myself.

What is a career anyway? Can "being myself" be a career? I would love to be an independent contractor, but I asking for money is difficult for me. Let me be frank with myself: I mysticize the exchange of funds from client to contractor to disempower myself from facing my fears of inadequecy. I am afraid I'm not good enough to get paid for the work I do. And the catch? There isn't even a "work" that I am doing to be afraid to ask for the money (kudos if you can follow that twisted psycho-logic).

So to empower myself. Starting small seems like good common sense. Pick something to do that gets paid per hour and start doing it informally. Then, as word gets out, make a transition to start doing it formally. The question is, what to do? I don't have enough confidence in anything I do to ask someone to give me money. However, it seems likely that the deficiency isn't in my skills, but moreso my confidence is deficient.

So I have two tasks ahead of me:

1. Become more confident then. I'm open to suggestions on how to do this.
2. Choose something to do as a contractor.