I've noticed that I have this tendency to monitor very closely the give and take in my relationships. Any relationship, romantic or otherwise. If I'm sharing a meal with a friend, I ensure that portions and/or the bill is equally split. When I am doing chores with my husband, I make sure we're both doing equal amounts of work. My motivation behind this is to ensure that my relationships are balanced, no one person doing more than another. No one person lending more money out, or driving the other more, or anything else. I want fair and balanced relationships.
But I've recently begun to realize how childish this is. Not everyone values everything equally. I like to cook and share it with my friends. It is a joy, not a chore. Should I expect someone else to cook for me as much? Or personally, I hate to drive. It stresses me out. Should I ensure that I drive in equal portions with a friend who loves driving? Ridiculous.
On a rational level, it got me thinking about the book "This Organic Life" by Joan Dye Gussow. She does an economic breakdown to determine if it is actually profitable to grow your own food. Her conclusion was that if you love to garden, it's worth it. If you hate to garden, then it's not. Not every person values all activities the same. Not every relationship will have the same balance. It depends on values.
On a more emotional level, I thought back to a book "Smoking Poppy" by Graham Joyce. In this work of fiction the protagonist parses out his love to his family. It reminded me of my balancing act. In the end, he learns that to love someone, you have to open yourself up. Let it in, let it out. I am doing a much better job living this way with my loved ones, but it is difficult to break from the conditioned parsimony. And I also realize that I can't do this with everyone, because there are people out there who will take you for a ride. It's just a matter of figuring it all out and possibly letting yourself be hurt.
And no, you can't have seven dollars... or seven hundred billion for that matter.
Instead of aiming for balance I like to aim for homeostasis - where the energy expended is equal to the energy received. I particularly like how homeostasis allows for growth.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it solves your little problem of people valuing things differently if you measure in energy expended instead of minutes spent driving or square inches cleaned.
Love,
Y