The Faceless Minority

I've been reflecting a lot recently on being gay. Being gay, like the title of this post indicates, is like being a part of a faceless minority. Sure there are always pink triangles, rainbow flags, or I dunno... a love of Madonna. And there are gay actions, like being affectionate with a same-sex partner or spouse. But these are not intrinsic to the physical self. They are cultural symbols, overlain, and personal actions taken.

If you take a gay person and look at him or her in isolation, will you know this person is gay? Without a triangle or someone mentioning a same-sex partner, what is there to indicate homosexuality? Now mentally do the same for someone of Asian descent. Without the actions or the symbols, you can still tell this person is Asian. It's a part of this person's physical being. It is visible to all, regardless of symbols or actions. Gay people, in lieu of these items or actions, have literally no way to identify one another.

So when you're a teen, struggling to understand your own sexuality.... this facelessness can be terrifying. Personally, I grew up feeling I could talk to my family. But then, as a teen, I suddenly feared talking to them. Would they still love me? Would they dismiss my feelings? Would they pretend to accept me, while actually not? I had it lucky. A lot of other youths wonder: Will I get sent away to a conversion camp? Will I get beaten? Will I get kicked out of my house? As a gay teen, the sense of isolation can be overwhelming. You are all alone and faceless. And often, suicide is contemplated or attempted.

Now, to be fair, there are some "benefits" to the facelessness. Not every place is safe right now for gay people. When in those places, you can hide your identity. You don't take a gay action. At the same time, this is dangerous. You are forced to hide a beautiful part of yourself. This action of closing part of you soul induces huge amounts of shame. This is why I put benefit in quotes above: I honestly wonder if there is any real benefit. But this is at least an option other minorities don't have. The key is to balance feelings of safety with feelings of self-worth.

For me personally, my family took the information well on the surface, but I feel emotionally they haven't yet come to grips. Over ten years later, they are uncomfortable when my husband and I hold hands. They notice when I sit close to him, or put an arm around his shoulder. When he and I exchange a quick peck on the lips, they call it an "inappropriate public display of affection." (Yes, public affection they call it, even when it takes place in the privacy of a house) Being gay has no look, only an action, and these actions remind my family of my sexual identity. It makes them uncomfortable, and it makes me feel ashamed for being myself. Now I can get over my feelings of shame, but I cannot change their feelings. I can only pray that someday they will be fully comfortable with all of me.