The Boast

This was going to be a simple Facebook post, but as you can see, I had a bit more to say. Enjoy my words!

It usually takes me a few days to process the events of a powerful weekend. This past weekend at Trothmoot was one such experience. Usually when I have such intense weekends* I return home drained , off balance, and frankly fighting off a minor depressive episode. That did not happen this time. I feel grounded and connected. I feel hopeful.

I will not do justice to all the people and presentations I encountered. I will not be able to convey the beauty, love and dedication put into the rituals and ves. But I want to share one memory: the boast.

Saturday night at the Grand Sumbel we did one round of a the horn instead of three, focusing on the boasting. Boasting has always been a problem of mine. People have accused me of being arrogant and vain, which has always upset me. Personally, I have always found myself to be self-effacing and self-denying. Thank you Christianity, for those lovely "virtues" (I say not in spite but ruefully amused). Boasting does not come easily to me, but it is one of the aspects that drew me to Heathenry: the belief that one should stand tall, proud and heroic before the ancestors and gods, instead of bowing low and making yourself less before one god.

The horn came near me. Almost my turn to boast. The man next to me detected my elevated anxiety and asked if I was okay. I nodded, focusing on the task ahead, but it did help calm me. While I didn't at the time, I want to say now that I thank you for your attentiveness and concern.

And the horn was in my hand. I could see nine boasts before me. It was a good number: a boast for each realm, for each step before the venom hit, for each day on the tree. I started by sharing that at the last Trothmoot in 2012, I was struggling with a sudden divorce, struggling with depression, fearful of the overwhelming anger and pain within me, and trying to adjust to a very different life than one I anticipated. And now, three years later, I was overflowing with beautiful things happening in my life. In no particular order, my boasts were as follows, complete with pictures:

1. Last fall I transmuted the trauma of my divorce, and become ordained to marry others. I did this at the behest of a pair of friends who wanted me to preside over their union.. Shortly thereafter was approached by two others to also perform their wedding! They were beautiful ceremonies and I was honored to share laughter and words of love with them.
   
   
   
   
2. I dismantled my back steps and rebuilt them with dry laid stone with the help of many friends, fixing some rot and drainage issues on the back porch and allowing me to finally get to a place where I could get the house repainted.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. With the back steps getting fixed, I worked with a historic home consultant to chose colors, after 8 years of paralyzed indecision. And then turned around and got an amazing contractor to actually paint the house.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. To put myself out there creatively, I teamed up with a friend and sang at an open mic night last summer. As a "thunder bass" I am most comfortable singing underneath others, supporting their voice. Well, I pushed myself into the spotlight. I had a lot of fun doing it, and greatly appreciate my friends who showed up to support me.
   
   
   
   
5. I bought a banjo, an oft ridiculed instrument that I have always found beautiful and soulful, and I'm slowly learning how to play.
   
   
   
   
6. I have taken two writing classes, exploring my creative writing. (Below are sketches of the city where my main story takes place.)
   
   
   
   
7. I joined a new gym, and got involved in powerlifting with some amazing people. I hit some personal records that made me very happy and even got a brozne metal at the Gay Games. (Though I regret I have recently fallen off the wagon with my training here.)
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. With the help and support of an amazing man, I have transformed my body, gaining 100 lbs over 3 years. Sixty of these pounds were gained over the first 6 months! (And yes, mothers out there, I go to the doctor's regularly to check my cholesterol, etc. and always get a clean bill of health). My relationship to my body and to food has definitely gone from a place of self-denial to self-love.
   
   
   
   
9. Finally, a friend and I, during Pagan Pride last year, concocted a plan to create a runestone with one of the spare bluestones from my back steps. She and I outlined it, and over the course of a month I carved and painted the runes, erecting the runestone in a local park on Halloween night with another friend.
   
   
   
   

After sharing all these boasts,** I raised the horn, not to honor myself, but to honor all the people who helped me along the way. I honored the good friends and the folk who supported me during my exploration.

I sat down exhausted. That was a lot of spotlight. But a magical thing happened from this act. During the rest of Trothmoot, people came up to me, thanking me for sharing. I was honored and somewhat uncomfortable by the praise. But then a very wise man, while thanking me, told me how sharing my story, my journey, my victories over the last years inspired him and many others at sumbel. Not in a way where I was set apart, but instead as an example for others to follow. I did these things. I am one of our community, just like you. You can do these things too.

... And that's when I got it. Yes, boasting is a personal thing to increase ones honor and luck. But simultaneously, it increases to honor and luck of the community present. It is not about raising a pedestal to oneself, but more akin to a rising tide for all boats in the harbor.

And so, I repost here and elaborate on my boasts on the internet. Thank you all for reaching this far, and sharing this rising tide with me.

* Trothmoot, ECT, fraternity conferences and conventions, Camp Cthulhu, etc.

** These oaths are a slight variation on the ones from Grand Sumbel, but some information I don't want shared on the interwebs quite yet.

Body Metaphors

Sorting through old files, I found this:

Heart pumping sixy three times per minutes.  Pupils dialating a certain percentage inversely proportional to the light index.  Through the years, science has expanded into studying space to oceans to genetics.  Science has even extended itself into the human body, comparing it to a "machine."  I see it another way.

People who call the human body a machine see arms and legs as appendages with wide motions of range used for grasping and grabbing.  However, I see arms and legs as extensions of the body itself, allowing one to expand experiences through touch and movement. To them, eyes are the sensors that interpret visual data from the outside world.  But the eyes aren't sensors, they're windows.  They allow us to experience color, darkness and light!  The heart is the pump of the cardiovascular system, which circulates the body's fuel.  If the pump breaks down, sterile metal can cut and tighten the organ back to functioning properly.  The heart isn't an organ to me, it's an area in the chest where one feels pain if rejected, or warmth if welcomed.

If I could use a metaphor, I would say the human body is not a machine, but a sculpted ornamental vase.  Life experiences are the rain, shimmering down from above, certain drops getting caught in different vases.  The vase holds the waters of our experiences, the waters of memory.  When one shares memories with other people, it is as if the vase is pouring the waters of memory into other vases.  A vase can also be chipped by acid rain, the horrors of life.  However, vases can be pieced back together with the glue of hope and love.  They can even be arranged in a complementary design, just as the right group of people can harmonize and work together.

Both metaphors are valid, one being technical and the other aesthetic.  And modern science has many wonderful impacts.  But when the brass and steel cogs of a machine are placed next to the silver and porcelain of a vase, which would you choose?

A college essay I wrote when I was 17.  It's sobering and emotional for this chipped vase to look back on the writings of a relatively undamaged young vase, unweathered by the acid rain of life.

An Open Letter to Syracuse

Dear Syracuse,

    You are my home.  I have gone to school here.  I have bought a home here.  I have built my family here.  I have lived here for nearly seven years.  But, Syracuse, I am conflicted.  I keep thinking about moving away.  My husband has opportunities in other cities.  Cities much bigger than you.  And while I love you dearly, Syracuse, we don't always get along.  Very few things are in walking distance, my friend, and that bothers me.  Your public transportation is infrequent and does not meet any of my needs.  To be frank, I think your public transportation is pretty horrible, Syracuse.  Combined with that is the fact that everything around here is based on the car.  Walking around is very difficult.  There are all these interstate underpasses, and unkept sidewalks.  Especially in the winter, Syracuse: your sidewalks are a mess.

    But with all my complaints, I have a hard time wanting to leave.  I have invested so much of myself in you.  I want you to be beautiful.  No, that's not it... you are already beautiful.  More than anything, I want YOU, Syracuse, to just see yourself as beautiful.  I want you to see the beautiful city I know you are, underneath all the BS. ...and even more, I want you to see what you could become.  I want you to see how much MORE  beautiful you could become if you gave yourself the chance.

     And that's all it is, Syracuse.  You need to take a chance on yourself.  Leap the cliff.  I know you'll land on your feet.  You already have so much going for you.  You are not the failed DestiNY project.  You are not Syracuse University.  You are a winner, regardless of what the basketball team does.  You have many quality neighborhoods.  You have amazing parks.  And you are affordable.  You don't demand a lot from me as a resident.  Sure, taxes many be high, but land value is so cheap that it all balances out.  Living here, I was able to buy a house at the age of 26.  Most of my peers at that time had small apartments, or were living with their parents (or living in an apartment payed for by their parents!).  Syracuse, you gave me the ability to own my own land and be responsible for it.  You have allowed me to have a backyard to experiment in, and transform.

      You also attract quality people here, Syracuse.  I may not have the largest circle of friends here locally, but the friendship I make here, I know I will have for live.  When I was living in other cities, I knew the friends I made wouldn't stay around forever.  They were in that city for a job, or there as a stepping stone to other places.  But with you Syracuse, I know the friends I make here are friends I could have with me for live.  The people I meet here are committed.  They are of a different caliber.  They aren't living here because it's easy for them.  They aren't here because of peer pressure to living in a "cool" city.  And they aren't here because that's where their job just happens to be.  No, these people are willing to take a chance on you.  They aren't scared of your abandoned spaces.  They see opportunity in your boarded up windows.  They see the beautiful you that I also see.

     So take a chance on yourself Syracuse.  Because there are a lot of people here willing to take a chance on you.  And if I must leave in a few years to be with my family, please make sure that I can always come back to you.

Love,
A City Resident.

Salad for Dinner

So I just had a salad for dinner.  I am traveling, at an airport terminal with all sorts of yummy fast food temptations.  And I make a salad from the salad bar.  I am becoming one of those weird healthy people, and I like it.  The salad was amazing.  I had a scoop of tortellini with pesto sauce.  I had a few cubes of mozzarella.  There were craisins, sunflower seeds, kalmata olives, a hard boiled egg and a few slices of beets that I diced.  Every bite was like a different dish entirely.  Some bites were salty and nutty - lots of seeds and egg pieces.  Some were very sweet - I must have gotten some beets and craisins.  I felt like I was eating at least five different meals instead of just one continuous flavor (like say, a ham and swiss sandwich).  And yeah, maybe I'm being healthy, but I'm also have an awesomely tasty meal.  The only thing I'm missing is that heavy feeling in my stomach.

And I must give kudos to my latest fast.  You all know I love fasting, dear readers.  This year's fast was a fast from all breads, the entire taxonomy, inspired by this post on Slow Food USA.  I cheated a few times toward the end: once for Seder, and once for the closing of Doc's Little Gem Diner.  But overall, this fast taught me to get a little more creative with my every day meals.  No longer could I go to a sandwich or a wrap for a default, easy meal.  No more pizzas either.  (Nor anymore cookies, muffins, etc, etc).  I was forced to think.  I was broken out of my ruts.  And I think that particular fast gave me the courage, and habit, of not just going to the staples.  So today, when I'm in a hurry at an airport, surrounding by temptation... I circled the salad bar.

Yum!

Man versus Machine

We live in an age where energy is cheap and abundant, but I strongly believe that all geologic indicators (as well as geopolitical indicators) suggest this will not be true.  Most of you should not be surprise that I believe this.  And many of you have frequently heard me rant and peak oil, water scarcity, and that ilk.  I'm not going to delve deeply into those topics right now.  Others have said it better.

Today I'm thinking about the conflict of Man versus Machine.  It's one of these standard literary tropes.  And I wonder how much we believe that machines are *better* than us.  They are more powerful.  They are more efficient.  They can work longer.  Machines have taken over in the Matrix.  John Henry, our mythically strong folk hero, was defeated by the steam drill.  Yes, we overcome machines sometimes, but only through great difficulty, luck, or by subverting them and making them benign (while still acknowledging our reliance on their strength).

But a lot of this machine myth is based upon the assumption that energy will be cheap and abundant. ...that complex supply chains will be stable. ... that distance and location is not a factor.  And in a time of energy decline, none of these assumptions will be true.

I remember a conversation with a good friend of mine.  This friend is super, super intelligent. But when talking about an economy of peak oil, this friend was certain that the internet would remain.  I was truly surprised by the level of important this person placed on something like the internet.  Yes, the knowledge gained by the web is immense, but when someone has to choose between hiking into the mountains to repair a fiber-optical cable between two towns, and spending a week harvesting food, or constructing a building... I just can't see a rational person choosing to support the vast, elaborate machine that is the internet.

And upon reflect, I just find it amazing how deeply set a lot of our assumptions are regarding machines, regarding what they can do, and regarding their strengths.

This post was inspired by John Michael Greer's latest, and much more thorough, post on his website.

Gym Schedule

So in my last post, I "came out" as a someone who goes to the gym.  I've been going since September (hm, about the time my blog postings took a dive) and it's been great.  I haven't been keeping track of my weight or anything, because my two goals cancel one another out: (1) lose fat = less weight, and (2) gain muscle = more weight.  Instead, I'm going by my clothes.  The results?  My pants are more loose, and my jackets and shirts are tighter around the chest.  Exciting!

So I started off only going 3 times a week, but this didn't work so well.  Life would get in the way: I'd have a night meeting, a friend was in town, I was traveling, etc.  There were weeks when I was only at the gym once a week.  This was ridiculous - what was the point if I was only going to go once a week? Then my buddy who's been inspiring me put a suggestion in my head: go EVERY day.  At first I was dubious.  I am super busy individual and wasn't sure I could commit that much time to the gym.  But I had goals and I wasn't going to get there by only going once a week.

Let me tell you: going daily turned the equation upside down.  Instead of the gym being something that intruded on my schedule... gym became the default in my schedule.  It was assumed that I would be at the gym every day, and people expected it.  Suddenly, I was at the gym 5 to 6 times a week.  Yes, I still had night meetings and other random things, so it wasn't actually EVERY day.  But I found it was easier to go every day, then alternating days.

Sweat

Let me start with a confession: I love working out.  Love it.  I love how my muscles get all bulging from the blood rush.  I like wearing the meshy gym clothes.  I really enjoy that worn out / wet noodle feeling I get after a long work out.  But in a weird way, I'm most fascinated by my sweat.

Before you get all grossed out, let me tell you: I don't normally sweat.  Like ever.  During 90 degree weather and high humidity, I'll get a light sheen on my forearms and maybe under my eyes.  People sometimes mistake this weird eye sweat for crying, but I only do that for the Titanic film.... curse you James Cameron!!  Anyway, I digress.  This is about gym sweat.


This gym sweat is a novelty.  I am not used to it dripping down my body.  Who knew that sweat in your eyes stung?  And it's crazy when you're so sweaty that you can't wipe away sweat 'cause you're so sweaty.  I am fascinated by this.

This is also one of the clearest indicators that I am working my body out.  I have long term goals of fat reduction and muscle growth.  But I'm not really going to see those results for many months (if not years).  But sweat?  That is a direct indicator that I am using my body and pushing my limits.  It feels good.

So next time any of you are sweating, take a moment to appreciate the awesome things your body is capable of.